My Definition!

Do you ever wonder why when someone points out to you daily that they need to lose weight they never do it? Get their haircut, make more money, get a divorce, come out of the closet, or wax their eyebrows? Here is the same case in point that was pointed out to me. Of all the things that we "say" that we really want or don't want in our lives, I think subconsciously we do, and for some reason, fear perhaps, or sheer procrastination, we constantly voice this "thing" we want to have happen, like if it is said out loud to someone, then magically when the change does happen, someone else will be happy for you. You yourself don't really believe that it will, but its something you think you should have, or do, or be.
I like to come across as this woman who shall not be defined by a man. I am a strong single force in this world, and I am too difficult to be a in relationship with. I am too "cool" for most men, I make a better friend, and frankly I can't find the right man for me. This is a load of bullshit, and I'm sure most of the people who really know me right now are laughing at this personal opinion of myself.
It has been pointed out to me that I mention this "lack if being in a relationship" DAILY. That I wine (speaking not drinking!) about not having this all the time! And at first I got really $%#@ mad! And then it was as if a light went off, he was completly right. How can I pass myself off as this 'strong single', when really I want the companionship of a lover and a best friend. But how can I let this DEFINE WHO I AM?
No, I am not going to have some Apifiany where I wake up one morning and say, ^&*%$ Men, I never want to get married and have kids, and I am going to start at bat for the other team! Maybe I can snag a Kate Winslet look - a like, if all the guys just want to be my friend, maybe I am a lesbian! ( and a very cool one at that!). But you are what you make it. And if I have looked at myself for so long, as this "fat funny friend", then indeed that is what I always will be. And that is proably why I am still fat. Hiding behind the face in the mirror that I percieve every morning, that this is ALL THAT I AM. I will not let wanting a relationship DEFINE ME. I will not deny the truth that yes, I do desire a lover, and I want to have babies and form a band. But I cannot let this define who Wendy Ard is. Wendy is single and super right now because I am finding the greatness that will become of me. And I will not let my life be foretold by the chapters that are written for me by some man who has me ironing his shirts and raising his children, and believing that every word out of his mouth is sacred. Men, I am finding, have the egos to over power the world. Humility I think is the greatest quality of all. Behind every great man, is an even greater woman, especially is the art for learning to love that man. You can't have too many eggs in one basket, again that is why I say keep your fingers in a lot of pies. I find myself asking, are we a strong individual, a presence, a contribution, or does our relationship and family define who we are?
I'm going to stop lamenting over something that is very much my own fault. We define who we are. Make excuses for no one, especially not yourself. Be true to your word.
Its funny I write it so much better than I say it.